Mod Pod Daily

Quadrophonia, a new style. Straight from the mind into a Cubase file.

Archive for the tag “emotions”

Shy….

Shy? Am I….

the heat is so great
it plays tricks with the eye
it turns the road to water
and then from water to sky
and there’s a crack in the concrete floor
and it starts at the sink
there’s a bathroom in a gas station
and i’ve locked myself in it to think

What do you all suspect I am? To be perfectly honest; I am a bit shy, in fact I am a bit private; to a point. You may meet me and I may just open up to you; telling you everything you may think you know of me.

The truth? I haven’t told you everything. In fact, I keep plenty to myself and it takes me awhile to truly divulge specific details about myself; my life; my family… I might know just how to lead you on as much as you do: playing with my feelings as if I were a cat’s toy:

Dangle, Dangle

That loving & exciting nature in front of my eyes.

My ears perk up and I’m almost captivated by your enthusiasm to pull at my heart strings.

I’m a cat; nearly independent & pleased with just a bit of affection,

but then I crave your touch, your gaze into my eyes and

I wrap my little tail around you, pulling you close.

and back in the city
the sun bakes the trash on the curb
the men are pissing in doorways
and the rats run in herds
i’ve got a dream of your face
that scares me awake
i put too much on my table
and now i got too much a stake

And when I do trust you; when you have finally broken through my barriers;

I feel like I can open myself up to a new world.  Sadly, I have trusted people who don’t deserve this.  A new friend, even a lover who has made me believe I can truly wear my heart on my sleeve….

That’s over now.

But don’t you worry; I won’t lose my romantic spirit that everyone knows me by. It’s basically woven into my soul and it would take quite a bit more for me to ever forget I am a truly passionate soulful being who believes in fate. It’s just that: it’s their loss. It’s the “emotionally unavailable”, that truly has the ability to miss out on love; on the feeling of opening up to someone who cares for them.

It’s almost as if I am being guided into their “world”, they want me to become as “quiet” as they have….

and i might let you off easy
yeah i might lead you on
i might wait for you to look for me
and then i might be gone
where i come from and where i’m going
and i’m lost in between
i might go up to that phone booth
and leave a veiled invitation on you machine
Yeah, I may actually ask these “emotionally unavailable” people back into my life based on the feelings I once shared for them; and then I end up with tears streaming down my face, crying to myself as I lay in my bed, wishing I never had even stepped foot into their presence; begging for them to answer my calls; my texts.

and you’ll stop me, won’t you
if you’ve heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying ‘let’s not ask what’s next,
or how, or why’
i am leaving in the morning
so let’s not be shy

The truth is, I will always love that person;  the “emotionally unavailable” and maybe one day they’ll be able to feel as I do….

The friends and the lovers that have led my love astray;

You are forgiven and I hope you do well.

For my own well being- a spree, of sorts.

And so it is…

If there is anything that I have needed to do and haven’t done in awhile is go to a Stache Vintage Secret Sale at my friend Jennifer’s studio in Williamsburg where she sells a wide range of vintage clothing and interior design pieces. It truly is not only one of my favorite places to shop as I am a vintage collector and it’s just like heaven to me, but it’s always always a nice chance to catch up with Jennifer while she pours me a few glasses of Champagne and this time there was a special treat: Vegan gluten-free cupcakes with Tiffany Blue frosting baked by my close friend and roommate: Jacquelyn of Vegan Bun Buns.

Stache Vintage

Growing up as the daughter of a Famous Yippie Activist definitely had an impact on my life, I always felt like an outsider growing up in Brooklyn and going to inner city schools with kids my own age. My life was not particularly like the other children I knew  and I was just starting to get used to the fact of that. I’d stroll through the very populated gritty streets of New York, looking at the other people passing by me and just question: Why?

Why do I look this way? Why are my parents and family friends so different than everyone else? Why do I have wavy hair?Why did he not call? Did I do something wrong? How can I make myself be appreciated more?

I would pick out flaw after flaw of myself and worry (sometimes still do! much to my friends disapproval) about situations I’d create within my own self. Fears of being forgotten, left behind they all would appear to be beneath the surface but if you really knew me, I’d probably show you each and every one of my self-doubt.

But then as time went on and I realized the “Why” has such an impact on my own psyche that I had to change it to: “How?” How can I be a giving person? How can I love? How can I succeed? And currently, finally safe and secure in my own shoes: I say: I am indeed a beautiful, confident and loving person with a strong personality.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have some down days but since I’ve decided to take life into my own hands & soul: follow more dreams, go for some mini vacations and enjoy time with friends and family and of course indulge in chocolate and wine and all sorts of delicious vegan foods! It really does a great deal of positivity for your confidence and makes everyday so much more beautiful than the last.

I love my friends, especially this girl: We have basically repeated ourselves over and over about how we will always be activists, grow old as activists and even with our Canes, graying hair and wrinkles: we
‘ll always stand up for what we believe. My friends; inspire me.

Ashley Byrne & I at the Sea Shepherd New York S'mores Party at VSpot.

Ashley Byrne & I at the Sea Shepherd New York S’mores Party at VSpot.

Volunteering? All the time. It’s my life. Come out to Vegans drinks on August 30th at Fontana’s in Manhattan at 7pm for a night of raffle prizes and vegan food from Clementine Bakery to benefit Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary.

So, for the sake of taking care of myself and purchasing a few new vintage items I am going to try to start my daily pictures again.
Which will include my makeup, as much as I can. Did I ever mention that I am slightly makeup obsessed? I freelance as a makeup artists and usually offer that as my gift to Animal Organizations to include in raffle prizes: Makeup with Animals by Rachel.

90s grunge look. Stache Vintage dress and 50s slip. $45.00

Makeup: All cruelty free and vegan items from Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics & Urban Decay.

Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics: Lip Tar: Hush, Cheeks: I like to use a little bit of lip tar on my cheeks and they mix nicely so it was Narcissist & hush mixed on the palm of my hand and tapped lightly.  Eyes: OCC loose pigment. (I can’t see the name!)

Urban Decay: Rock star eye liner & Stray eyeshadow. and for concealer I used Aveda & a bit of Zuzu powder! (both also cruelty free and vegan).

You can be beautiful with or without makeup but whatever you do so decide to choose: Make it vegan because there are other beautiful beings on this earth that do not deserve the torture of being tested on for our own self benefits.

Also, I must take this time to ask everyone to sign a petition to stop the cruelty of Horse Carriages and call your local Councilman. Yesterday, there was yet another Horse-Car accident and the Horse was down in the street.

Please help us stop this madness!

Go to: Http://www.NYCLASS.org and read up on the information.

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